Saturday, December 30, 2006

I suddenly feel very old. Sitting here in the second coffee house I have visited today. I'm not old by any means. A girl I met at a party just looked at me with astonishment when I told her that I had already graduated college. She said I don't look old enough to be done with school. Then she told me I should stop allowing friends to cut my hair.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

church and politics

Right now I am waiting in an airport. I will soon be home for the holidays. I'm glad that I brought my laptop to the airport this time. I was just browsing through my favorite sites and blogs when I came across this

At first I thought it was a little ironic. We try so hard to keep religion out of our politics, but we don't hesitate to throw our politics into religion. I sent a link to my brother and he was surprised. I told him I had heard of this before and that a friend of mine actually voted in a church this year. Then I nearly fell off my chair when I read the caption below the picture.
" 'Intermingling of Church and State," Boise, Idaho, anonymous photographer, 2006.' "

Friday, December 22, 2006


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

nipple pinch

elf yourself

its fun, try it

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I'm going to buy a new dress tonight

silly pink bunnies
Check out Jeremy Fish, his illustrations are rad. I wouldn't normally say the word "rad" but in this case, I feel he deserves it. Also check him out in the new edition of juxtapoz. Make sure to read the little article about Olneyville, Rhode Island. Just because I once lived near Olneyville. I saw a rockabilly show once in Olneyville. I wouldn't normally go to a rockabilly show, but it was free. It turned out to be really fun as well.

Monday, December 18, 2006

This weekend I built a very gaudy ginger bread house. I also made my own christmas cards. The events of this past weekend mixed with my current mood swings are sure to make me the next martha stewart.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

This way to the martinis

If not for graphic designers, no one would be able to find the bar. Who would have thought... see how important we are!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"There are no new ideas"

This happens every time. I get stuck. Stuck between bad ideas and empty space. I feel a knot growing in my stomach and a dull pain on the front of my brain. I need concepts for a national ad by tomorrow. I want my ideas to be the ones that are eventually produced- they need to be good. So now I am sitting here, banging my head up against the wall and the only ideas that are shaking out are trite, overused, and cliche.

Sometimes it's such a challenge to find inspiration. An instructor in college told me not to dwell on the idea, but concentrate on the execution of the idea.

"There are no new ideas"

I've been cruising communication arts, print, juxtapoz, pollstar mag (yes pollstar- and yes its horrible!), newspapers, and a million design blogs. And now all I have to show for it are some fantastic ideas for every other project but the one I need by tomorrow.

I have a fear of being unoriginal. I freak out if I so much as see another design too similar to my own. It makes me competitive and miserable. It also fuels my passion to do well. Double edged sword I suppose.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hey look, art on television!

I'm selfish... and slightly shallow

Last night I decorated my apartment.
I spent the money I was going to use for Christmas presents on my apartment.
The girl at the check stand gave me a strange look when she asked,"are you Christmas shopping?" I politely said,"Nope, just shopping for myself." I felt kinda bad... but my apartment looks really cute now.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Friday, December 08, 2006

Godzilla even has nipples

"...And then people could talk about that famous artist who used to live in the Godzilla Building in the apartment right above Godzilla’s left nipple. And then they could argue over whether or not Godzilla even has nipples."

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I discovered today that I am a complete screw up and I know nothing about graphic design. My brain hurts.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I feel whinny and my head hurts and im bored.

overactive creative mind

I had a nightmare last night.
Someone I knew was saying very mean things about me at a party.
I know it was just a nightmare, but can't stop thinking about it.
I keep wishing that I would have stood up for myself and replaying it in my mind as if it really happened.
Weird, huh

Sunday, December 03, 2006

green glow

I looked down at my phone and quickly deleted the evidence. Spiders shouldn't date ladybugs, they will never understand each other. The ladybugs always end up hurt. I decided to relax and have fun.

Beyond the cow patties and fields of frost covered grains, shines a soft green glow contained within a small building in the middle of a podunk town.

We were all emersed in green as I lead the way to the back of the room. We settled into a large table near the stage and listened to the band play. They were really talented. I got up and danced. The room was pretty empty. The lead guitarist jumped off the stage and serenaded me. It was really cute. Later that night, my friend said she would give me $50 if I went and danced on the stage. I looked at her then at the stage and then back at her again, smiled, and said, "I'll do it for free". So I did. It was fantastic. I think there was magic in that green glow. Magic may not last forever, but just knowing its there is enough for me.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The mind is a scary place to get lost.

Monday, November 27, 2006

god called again today...
...still no voicemail

Sunday, November 26, 2006

leaving on a jet plane

I just rediscovered something.
A pen.
Yes, a magical instrument used to write.
I have this burning desire to write.
I am in an airport with no computer.
Funny how easily I could forget that I can write the good old fashioned way -
pen to paper.

We spoke about holiday travel trends. I found myself memorized by his taxi licence mounted on the front dashboard. His conversation was pleasant, but his photo on his licence was eerily resembled one that you might see on the late evening news. The headline might be something like, "Taxi driver kills young girl in a sudden rage while driving her to the airport."
He dropped me off safely at the airport. Now I feel bad because I forgot to tip him.

Flying is fantastic. I always feel tingly as I walk through the airport. Something exciting and refreshing about going somewhere new. Each time I enter an airport, regardless of if I am departing or arriving- I come out a changed girl. New perspectives and experiences, and a renewed view on life. It feels so good. It makes me feel alive.

People are beginning to line up now. The plane is on time and scheduled to depart in 45 mins. I don't want to stop writing though. I'm not writing anything important but it feels good. It feels like a release.

I am excited to leave town. I will be equally excited to return. I am glad to be where I am and to have done the things I have done. They have all made me who I am, and right now I am thrilled to be me.


I stopped writing and got up to stand in line. Only to stand there for an hour and a half. Fog in the bay area delayed my plane.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

California here I come!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Hello, this is god

That's right. He tried to call me. Not just once- but many times over the last couple weeks. He didn't leave a message though. I probably should have answered to see whats up. I wonder if he will call again.

I just tried to delete someone, but I kept getting messages saying
"Sorry, the server could not delete contact, try again."

Strange, huh.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

One good citizen

Yesterday I voted. I was really excited- because I never vote. Then I realized that I didn't really want to vote for or against anything. Then I was sad that I did.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I got this as a forward in my email today

Can you say Dyslexia

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


A year ago today, I ran a marathon. Strange. It is raining today, just as it was last year. I watched some of the runners as I drove a friend to work. Today is also the New York marathon. Funny how priorities change. I don't feel like I have the time to run that far and train that hard now.

Reflective black

Reflective black.I can't think of a better way to describe late rainy nights. It was the perfect temperature to take the long way. I felt like walking on my toes, and my silver lined slippers were the shoe of choice. The streets were wet and shiny. I played hop-scotch in the rain puddles. The spring in my step took attention away from my wet hair and runny nose. She looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for the ticket. I had strolled, contemplated, and wasted time so I wouldn't arrive to soon. Only to find upon arrival, that I was at the wrong theater. Determination and lightning fast steps carried me back to my car in time to drive to the correct location. I paid for my ticket and quickly walked to my seat. It was a fantastic movie. Sofia Coppola is amazing!

Flake, by Jack Johnston makes me think of vampires. Strange, huh.
When that song first came out I was addicted to it. I immediately fell in love. At the time I was still living at home with my parents, going to community college, and working part time as a waitress. I always worked at 4pm on Saturdays. I hated working breakfast. The restaurant had a breakfast buffet that consisted of greasy bacon and soggy pancakes. It was gross, and so were the people that ordered it and proceeded to eat and eat. I think the biscuits and gravy were the worst- soggy bread and white nasty gravy. It was enough to make me sick.
I kicked off my Saturday mornings with a little homework. Yes, the same homework I spent my Friday night working on. After a couple hours of work I would turn the TV to TBS or USA. Those were my favorite channels. They always played my favorite movies on Saturday afternoons. Someone at that network must have been a huge fan of Interview With a Vampire because there was a good month when that was all they showed. It was the same time when Flake was released to the radio. Now I will forever picture Brad Pit as a vampire every time I hear that song.

I have chosen to spend my thanksgiving/birthday with my brother in sunny California. I can't wait. I am so happy that he is my big brother. He is actually excited that I am coming! There is something about a growing relationship with a family member that is really comforting. I feel close to my parents as well, but for some reason I have never felt close to my other two brothers.

Yesterday I bought a bed.
"Your and adult now!"
That was the response most people gave when I told them how excited I was that I will no longer be sleeping on the floor. How does buying a bed suddenly make me an adult? I suppose I could have spent the money on clothing or alcohol- would that have made me an adolescent? And now that I am a proud owner of a bed, I can go out and find a lover. Our culture classifies an adult by actions rather than age. I was technically an adult when I turned 18. If responsibilities and actions classify someone as an adult, then being an adult is variable. Once you become one, you can just as easily become a child. So why do we bother calling anyone an adult. I don't really like that word, and I don't know that I want to be an adult anyways. I like watching cartoons on Saturday mornings and I don't eat diner.

***I wrote this on Saturday and posted it on Sunday*****

Friday, November 03, 2006

I just deleted my myspace. How liberating!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


I can't explain the look of concern that overcame his face- but it was a look that changed the way I saw him. I wanted to tell him what happened all over again, just to see it once more. Someone (besides my family) was so worried about me. I've seen that look many times since- and each time it has had the same effect on me. Maybe it is that look that pushes me over the edge of reason. That causes me to make the same mistakes over and over. It has been a few years since the first time I saw it. I know it will happen again- I just hope it's different next time.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Thats the pumpkin I carved- its the first in a series of two.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

It doesn't matter

I tried to turn off my alarm, but it just kept ringing. This morning I realized that the noise that woke me in the night was not my alarm, but some friends calling me in some attempt to invite me to participate in their festivities. It was good timing. I was having a nightmare that the IT guy at work was chewing on my hand and I couldn't get away. Sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it was really frightening.
There is a throbbing pain in my brain. Since the moment I got out of bed, my brain has been stuck in a constant narrative. Not one with any plot or cohesive story line, but rather an over observant flow of thoughts and thoughts about thoughts. It's as if there is some omniscient voice in my head that is narrating the things I feel and see, to the point of annoyance and has continued throughout my day. I was reading a collection of essays while awaiting my laundry. The voice in my head grew soft as it was replaced by those in the readings. A collection of essays about different epiphanies and experiences people have with art. I have read the entire collection before, but finding it in my purse and seeking some sort of entertainment while I waited, lead me to read it once again. Now I feel both motivated and discouraged. I don't believe that there is any one moment when the world suddenly makes sense. It doesn't matter what it is that your looking for. It is a series of events and epiphanies that lead a person to self actualization. A road of mistakes and regrets mixed in with a few triumphs that ultimately define a person, an artist. Edvard Munch had a moment on that bridge. He leaned over the rail and suddenly felt, or heard the scream of nature. He was not able to express that moment the first time he attempted to paint it. It came across a little to literal. He painted "The Scream" (or The Cry) in 1893. It was painted on a piece of cardboard and is now one of (if not the) most recognized images in the world. It is one of the only images hanging in my living room... well the manipulated version I created with a hair brush and some orange felt mat board. Munch would probably roll over in his grave if he saw my interpretation of his masterpiece- unless he has a sense of humor, which I suspect he does.
It is a strange concept to think of success (or perception of success). What is it that we are striving for. It doesn't really matter if you seek fame and glory- who would want that anyways. Paris Hilton is considered famous. Although few believe she possesses any talent. Any one of us could have been born in her body and situation and chosen to lead the same path. That was a matter of situation, of luck (well I guess it depends who you ask- I sure as hell wouldn't want to be her). I wonder, who would she be if she had chosen a more intelligent future. What if she found her true calling, talent, passion -besides the obvious "passion" that anyone can now download off of limewire-. She has all the resources at her fingertips and she would rather go out and buy shoes or make shitty records.
There is a lady who lives in a small town in Nebraska. By small, I mean she is the only resident. The sign that welcomes you to her town proclaims the population of 2- but since the death of her husband it has lowered to just the one. She is the mayor, librarian, sheriff, cook, whatever the town needs. Although this might at first appear to be a lonely existence, it is nothing of the sort. People come from miles around to eat at her restaurant. They call to see how she is doing. They count on her for weather/road condition reports. She is loved and needed by many. She runs a ghost town that comes to life because of her.
One must be intelligent to be truly funny. Neil Simon has lived a long full life of intelligence. His awards are enough to knock over any shelf and fill a room. Clever wit is the heart of what he writes and has launched him to great success. The famous playwrite is now in his late 60's. He threw himself into his work when his wife died of cancer. He has created stars with his screenplays.
Regina Spektor claimed that many of her songs are fictional. I felt a little let down by this. I had this picture of a tormented artist that amongst her drug abuse and failed relationships, had found success. However I was glad that she didn't say the same obvious statement that so many song writers seem to proclaim - "...sometimes I make up stories about the people I see on the street or at Barnes and noble, sipping their coffee. What are they thinking, where are they from..." I have heard that from many people and I once thought it myself- so to me its trite. Maybe her fictional writings are inspired by a work of art- or by a documentary on she saw early one Sunday morning on CBS.
My eyes were infatuated and disgusted by the posh and pretentious Albertsons grocery store yesterday afternoon. I have never shopped at that particular store because it was out of my way, but yesterday I happened to be in need of a pumpkin and I found myself there. I was spacing out and chuckling to myself as I stood in line. Flat screen TV's were mounted on each checkstand. I watched Jay Leno point out the stupidity of a newspaper ad (secretly I was found humor in the fact that I could very well make and have made the same if not worse blunder to the integrity of print design). Lost in my own head, I found myself suddenly eavesdropping on the conversation the lady in front of me was having with the lady at the checkstand. There was a man with a beard and a flannel jacket who was awaiting the bagging of his groceries and was in line in front of this lady. He didn't have enough money to pay for the bananas he originally planed on purchasing. So the lady offered to pay for them for him. It was a random act of kindness and the bearded man was very grateful. It brought a little half smile to my face as I waited to pay for my pumpkin and milkyways.
The best teachers and mentors are those who are always learning. They are open to learning even from those they are supposedly teaching. I have always admired the successful, and busy people who somehow always make the time for spreading their knowledge to others. Those who can put the "priorities of business" aside at a moments notice to talk to someone like me. I hope to one day be one of them- that will be my determination of success.
A friend of mine used to say, "In the end, it doesn't really matter." Well I hope he is wrong. Otherwise we might as well all give up now.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I drugged it in its sleep

so im planning on skipping out on the usual halloween festivities- by that I mean getting dressed up and going downtown. Instead, I think I might carve a pumpkin and then go to a friends house to hang out. It should be fun. Happy halloween!
oh and this song has been stuck in my head all week:

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall

But maybe it's a false alarm
And every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No distance doesn't care

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall

But maybe it's a false alarm
And every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


My apartment was crawling with large nasty spiders last night. I saw the first one while talking to my dad on the telephone. It was about the size of a quarter and died fighting. My poor dad had to listen to me as I ranted and raved about how horrible it was to have such a large spider terrorizing me. Once I hung up the phone, I went into a crazy cleaning frenzy. I found a similar spider under my bed- only this one was dead. I was probably just hanging out, planning a hostile take over of my apartment when it died. I really need to get over my spider fear.

This morning, I found myself mesmorized. There is a crack in my windshield (caused by loose gravel on the highway to Jackpot). I watched it as it spread across the glass. The heat from my window defroster speed this process along. It was so strange to watch, it didn't look real. It moved fast.

Halloween is soon. I think I will be a witch- that is if I do anything this year. Halloween is hit or miss for me- I either go all out, or avoid it all together.

Monday, October 16, 2006

lets all go to mexico!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Im the only one here now- he is singing from behind the counter. I don't think he knows I'm here.

racking up

I always say no when they ask if I want room for cream. Then I turn around and pour some cream in my coffee. Its funny to make people believe your something your not. Until you realize that you really don't know who you are to begin with. I appreciate honesty and wish everyone could be so honest. I'm much more tired today than I originally thought I was.

An old man told the young coffee house worker that he should be racking up some experience at his age.

Nothing really makes much sense when your so close to it.

They were all born frozen. Most of them melted along the way. One remained cold. Saw the world as it appears through five inches of frozen water. Nothing was ever very clear. Sometimes it seemed like things were there when they really were not. Somehow it always stayed warm inside. One day she awoke and he gave her a look that pierced her frozen shell. Similar to the way it feels when you get a paper cut. You hear the paper slice your flesh and at first it really doesn't hurt. You look to the ceiling, then to your wounded finger. That little cut will remind you its there every time you eat a salty chip. This look did so much more than just cause her pain. It froze her heart. She felt it like a pin prick and then it moved through her vains and devoured her. She thought that if she could just let all the air out of her lungs, maybe she could just sink to the bottom of the sea. But it wont let her. Now she just wants nothing more than to melt.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

green t-shirt and jeans

She was talking really fast and forgetting what was said. It made me laugh a little, but I was also worried about this girl who was about 3,000 miles away. I was really glad she called to rescue me from working my life away. It seemed so funny to me to hear her high level of responsibility to her friends, even though she was intoxicated. I told her not to drive anywhere. I told her I would talk to her until she could sober up. In her drunken ramblings she made my night. She probably feels silly now, although she really shouldn't. I wish I could hold myself together half as well as she does. It's kinda strange to me, but right now the people I am closest to are those who are so far away. I guess it makes sense to for me. I am a loner. With each passing year I can feel myself becoming more independent and solitary. I don't really know what to think about that. I'm glad that I have these amazing people in my life, even if they are not actually here.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Native Americans went on vision quests to isolate themselves with nature. They were searching for oneness, spirituality, and meaning. My mission was hardly as romantic. I was going to go home because I couldn't concentrate at the coffee house. Instead, I just started driving. No destination in mind, no plan, no clue when I would stop. I would have drove to the ocean and back if I could. I ended up lost in Ontario Oregon. Then I decided to come back home. I didn't meet any spiritual guides or have an epiphany. I did feel a lot better when I got home that night. I kinda wish I would have drove to the ocean though. I really wanna see the sea again- I miss it.
Every employee at work must complete anti harassment training. I was a diligent worker and got this done right away. Somehow my certificate of completion was lost and there was no proof that I had done the training. So I had to redo it. I watched an hour of videos on the internet that outlined the rules of the anti harassment policy. They told me that harassment can come in many forms. The main concern was sexual harassment. People often make others uncomfortable by making comments about the way they look or dress. So I watched the videos and did the little test at the end. Passed with flying colors. I printed a few copies of the completion certificate and as I was walking back from the printer some of the ladies I work with said, "we've been talking about you..." So I walked over to them to find out what they were saying. Andrea* told me that she really liked my pants. Then she said she wished she had long legs like me and complemented me for the way I walk so "elegant". I was roaring with laughter in my head as I graciously thanked her for her compliment.
Today I was at Target and there was a really cute baby hanging over the shoulder of her mother who walked slowly in front of me. I winked and made faces at her until she giggled and shyed away. Then I realized there were a lot of people around. I looked around and then giggled and shyed away.
I love music so much because I have a hard time communicating verbally. My speech is word vomit. I admire people that can describe complicated matters of life with words and sounds.

Sunday, October 08, 2006


i feel like crap- so because I am so very retarded, and incapable of being a rational normal human being- I am taking a break from alcohol.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

one of the last nice days till winter

It's really nice out today- I got the job- im going to be working alot very soon. Im kinda excited but at the same time a little terrified. For some reason I am afraid of staying here for too long and this might make it hard to want to leave. I don't know what to expect. Last night I acted so strange- I have not been myself over the last few weeks. I had a dream that I slept through my weekend. A few nights ago I had an even stranger dream. I dreamt that there were all these people who were driving their cars like they were motorcycles. By that I mean, they sat on the roofs of the car with their legs spread eagle and there were handlebars on the roof. Its looked really uncomfortable but everyone was doing it. I needed a ride to my car because I left it at some grocery store and I hitched a ride with this friendly couple. I rode inside the car like a normal person. They were strange little imaginary dream people. What ever floats your boat.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I have gas

I was on my way to the middle of nowhere so that I could go running farther into oblivion when I realized that my car was almost out of gas. Have you ever noticed that when you turn off your engine and turn it back on that the needle on the gas tank goes up. I love that mystery gas that suddenly appears in my tank. I was able to postpone a refill until I finished my run. It was a fantastic run too. All the leaves are changing colors and the temperature is perfect.
Tomorrow I am meeting with this design firm about a job. I interviewed there about three months ago. Its actually really flattering that he remembered me when some work presented itself. I'm excited- wish me luck.
I love you all and Im so sorry I've been so reckless lately.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

finding nemo

Last night I was hanging out at a coffee house downtown. I think I was there for a few hours and then I met some friends for sushi. Sushi was good, but I wouldn't suggest to drink merlot with it. Then it was off for a fun night of dancing and drinking. I got to hang out with Christine* and Jacob*. I never hang out with them. It was a good little change. We got really drunk. Jacob is a very generous person and spent a lot of money buying us drinks. I thought that was nice, but I also felt bad letting someone spend so much on me. When the night was done we took a cab ride home. This morning I awoke and realized my car was downtown. So without much hesitation, I slipped on my running shoes and was out the door to retrieve my car. About 5 minutes into the run, I realized that I was really dehydrated and hung over. That was a really painful run. It was only a little over 2miles, but it hurt. I was glad when I got to my car and drove home. The best part is that I ran off my hangover- I feel great now. Good to know.

Friday, September 29, 2006

thats what the man says

I stayed up until 2am working on my new site. Not much progress but im becoming an actionscripting pro. Today I decorated the office for homecoming. As the designer in the office, people assume I am a natural decorator. My apartment says otherwise. Its late and im sitting alone at a coffee house. I will soon be enjoying some sushi with my friends. I like sushi.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

start spreading the news

Im leaving in about 4 months. I decided that now is the perfect time to try a new city. Mission=SF or nearby somewhere bay areaish (is that a word?). As soon as my lease is up, I'm off.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

training with the rangers

my secrete is out, the running shoes and dreams of visiting Tokyo are really because I want to be a power ranger:

mostly because I gave up my true dream and came to terms with reality. I will never be a ninja turtle.


//Begin random thoughts
I went to the laundromat yesterday. Now my cloths are clean.
I also went to the store- got a cute pair of shoes and a new scarf - (its getting cold, brrrr).
I was going to go running, but instead I went and got a cup of hot green tea at the coffee shop downtown.
Then I was going to clean my apartment, but instead I made a big mess.
I wanted to go to sleep, but I painted instead.
Today I was going to work on some web stuff. I don't really want to though. The second something becomes "work" is the second I avoid it.
Now I am at another coffee shop. There is some soothing jazz playing in the background.
I never heard from that job.
I feel like I went on a really good date and was prepared to get married, only to get stood up at the alter.
This is why I don't like interviewing or dating.
//End random thoughts

Friday, September 22, 2006


My parents never owned a home computer. They used type writers. I wrote all my high school papers either on a type writer or at the public library. There were no computers in my home until my second year in college.

I was trilled when I had finally saved up enough of my waitressing tips to buy my very own computer. Knowing absolutely nothing about computers, I had my mind set on purchasing a Dell. I actually ordered one, but something went wrong and it never came. Dell reimbursed my money. Figuring it was bad karma, I decided to wait to buy one from someone else. The following semester I changed my major to graphic design ( I felt inspired after one drawing class and decided physical therepy was not my thing). I enrolled in a class that I was not qualified for. I had never used a mac or any of the adobe suite software applications. It was sink or swim, and I swam. The instructor told me the first day that I should drop the class because I would never pass. I spent hours and hours in the computer lab. That was the most time I had ever spent with any computer. I was computer stupid. I grew to love those macs and bought one of my own. It was a G4 Powermac. That computer has always been good to me. I never really used PCs so I just don't have much to say good or bad about them.

Its been over four years since I got my first computer. Since then I have learned so much and even got my second mac - powerbook. I don't buy them because they are cool or trendy- I'm not a trendy girl. I use them because they work well for what I do and I have never had a problem, and well because they are in my comfort zone. So PC people please don't give me a hard time about my computer. I don't give you a hard time.
That is all

Friday, September 15, 2006

this is strange

I got this in my junk mail, what is it?

And, Genie, just the other day youdidnt care how I saw you. Guess Ill give myself up as a bad job, he told her. Youve got to climb the mountain and walk till I canbuy another burro. Blair, perhaps youcan give an old desert codger a little advice, said Adam.
His mention of a youngfellow suddenly rendered Genie amazed, shy, bewildered. Sunset had passed when Adam got the packs spread, the fire built, andsupper under way.
Kindliness beamed uponher countenance and she seemed to have acquired a more thoughtful eye. Well, youve got to take your medicine now. With the buckle in her hands the girl slowly walked toward the graves ofher parents.
Mother and I took to a surer wayof living.
Weve been about ten days coming over themountains. Despite her garb and its rents, Adam could not but feel proud of her.
They told me Genies story, she said, and her eyes spoke eloquentpraise her lips denied. He called Genie, and she came readily, though not without shyness. Still a child, Genie, he said, huskily, as he disengagedhimself from her wild embrace. Look here, bub, the lad went on, plaintively, I cant stand this wayall night.
How clear had been his vision ofthe future! Adamespied the children in the yard, and now he took cognizance of them. Ill take Genie over there rightthis minute! It whispered to Adam that he was alone on the desert. And asfor the lad, no gold could enhance Genies charm for him. You make me feel old too, she protested, and sheran away. Adam, unpacking the burros, turned them loose, sure oftheir delight in the rich green grass.
And, Genie, just the other day youdidnt care how I saw you. Its hardly a ranch, though we have hopes, replied Blair.
Adam had seen it written in their unconscious eyes.
Look Genie, how grey and dry the canyon is, said Adam hoping to diverther.
Blairs kindliness quickly put the girl at ease.
Wansfell, you mustbe family and friends and all to that girl.
What amazement and delight it would occasion Mrs.
Forgotten were Genies dreams of yesterday!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I learned one thing today

I like to spend a lot of time doing things the hard way. Then I like to give up, get a mcflurry and to return to it later that evening.

Friday, September 01, 2006


ha ha ha, this is how i spent my thursday night:

Monday, August 28, 2006


I always have really awkward conversations with the guy that works here. I think it's partially because I cannot hear very well and also because I am awkward. I don't know why I'm incapable of having normal human interaction.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

bang ****

I'm a nerd.
So last night I was super good and went to bed at 11pm so that I could get up early and take my car to the mechanic. I slept really well. I remember having a dream that I was with this guy I have never seen before and we were trying to run away from this other guy who was wearing a black t-shirt with red block lettering on it. For some reason we decided the best way to get away was to take plastic bags filled with gasoline and throw them into the nearby trees. Then we lit them on fire. I was in the middle of throwing a gasoline bag at a big willow tree when I heard, "Dude you can bang erika and shyla but I get hanna". This is when I woke up and realized that it was the neighbor downstairs talking super loud. I reached over and grabbed a pair of ear plugs and crammed them in my ears- it was 3am. The neighbors got increasingly loud as the night progressed. I couldn't fall back to sleep, even with my ear plugs in. There were a few moments when they got quite enough or I got tired enough to fall asleep. I had one of those half dream half hallucination type things. I thought my mom was in my apartment. I heard her ask them to quiet down and they politely agreed. Then she left and they got loud again. So I went out on my porch and told them that I needed to get up early and asked them to be quite. They laughed at me. ( Sometimes spatial issues get weird when I'm dreaming, so as they laughed at me, their patio moved up into a balcony on the other side of my apartment). One of the guys said that I shouldn't worry about getting up because time moves according to his laws. He then reached over and grabbed this mysterious clock that was suddenly mounted on the outside of the apartment building. He turned the time back and laughed at me again. Then I looked back into my apartment and saw my younger brother standing there. So I asked him to come outside and then turned to my neighbors and said, "oh yeah well tell my brother that, he just got back from Iraq!" My brother got the smug proud closed mouth grin on his face and popped his collar as he started to stroll towards my balcony door. This is when I woke up again. This time to the sound of the neighbors playing guitar. As if the pounding stereo wasn't enough. I think I got about 5 hours of sleep last night.
So here I am. I got up at 6:30 am. I got ready and headed toward the mechanic. The plan was to drop off the car as early as possible in hopes that he would be able to get it done sooner. The check engine light turned on a few days ago, so I figured it was time for a tune up. The problem is, I don't have the money to pay for a tune up. So when I noticed the light had turned off this morning, I decided to wait and didn't even take my car in. So all that and I didn't even end up getting my car checked. The light turned off the other night as well, I don't really know anything about cars. I'm probably causing more damage by not taking it in, but I just really don't want to charge the $80 on my credit card to get it tuned up. Ugh.
Sometimes I feel really stupid when I complain about things like money. Overall I have a fantastic life and when I hear the things my brother witnessed in Iraq or my friend's brother had to go through in New Orleans, it just puts it all in perspective. Things could be a lot worse and I really am blessed.
Okay, I'm going to sip my coffee now and maybe work on my website and sketch some pictures.
goodbye for now.

Friday, August 25, 2006

... shhh

Does this make sense to anybody?

As always, everything hit me at once.

Working late- that hasn't happened in a while.

I have to get up early and take my car to the mechanic. Then I'm leaving it there all day. I don't know what I will do while it is getting fixed. I think an adventure is in store... shhh

The last time I had to do something like this, I got lost in a rain storm in the middle of Providence RI. That was an adventure. I think I'm going to shoot for something a little different this time around. I really didn't like getting splashed by the NJ car. I was also very unsuccessful at hitch hiking.

Well farewell for now. I'm going home.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

check engine light

The check engine light came on in my car when I drove to the coffee shop today. This makes me sad because money is tight and it might force me to postpone my labor day plans. It's due for a tune up... I hate my car right now.
I think the cute coffee boy tricked me into drinking caffeinated coffee at 9pm. There will be no sleep for me tonight. The other coffee goers are buzzing and chatting loud about the song playing oh so loud. Soon I will have to leave as the coffee shop will close.
I think I am going to run away- don't worry, I will be back. You might find me in Chile.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I make my own dolls

she works at the Laundromat.
she counts out quarters in piles of four.
she makes her own dolls.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

coffee goers

I really enjoy these little chocolate candies at this fun little coffee shop. They taste really good, especially if you put them in your cheek and drink coffee, it is like a mocha mix in your mouth- fantastic. I think more men should wear eyeliner, not all men, but more men - it looks really good on some.
I have been here for hours. I spent a long time sketching pictures of all the coffee goers- I didn't stop until I noticed some of them becoming uncomfortable by my constant glances. I think the people here are really interesting.
I drew a picture of the lady from the laundromat. I think I might do something with that later- its a fun little sketch.
Last night I was sitting down town and I saw a guy leave a building. This would have been perfectly normal, except he was wearing latex gloves and snapped one of them while he exited the building. There is something creepy about a well dress man leaving a building at night while wearing latex gloves.
Dancing is fun, but when I'm ready to get my grove on I have a hard time calling it a night so soon. They should allow the dancers to dance all night, down with time limitations. Actually make that down with time. I know there are other cultures that are not so concerned with time and deadlines. They put family and personal relationships above the importance of timeliness. I think I should find such a culture become a part of it.
So the race I run every year is but a few months away- maybe everyone should make bets on whether I can actually do it this year. My distance motivation has been down so I think it is in my best interest to participate in the half marathon rather than the full. Last year I ran the entire 26.2 miles, I'm thinking I will do the 13.1 and try and run it super fast. I guess only time will tell.
This year I think I might do thanksgiving in New England. Is that cliche? I don't care, I have a super amazing friend who I need to visit and since my birthday lands on the magical thanksgiving day, I think I deserve a little vacation. I'm excited. Maybe you all should make bets on this too, I've planned this trip many times over the last year and a half and have yet to make it. I always do the things I say I'm going to, it just takes me a while some times...

Friday, August 18, 2006

ahh this makes me smile

check it out:
home star runner

He still tells it

What did one burp say to the other?

Lets be stinky and go out the other end!

my dad used to tell this joke when I was a kid, wait he still tells it.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

you are rude

"You are rude"
Those were the words of some random guy at a bar about 8 months ago. He thought that I had bad manners by not accepting the shot of tequila that he had offered to me. I actually thought I was very polite by declining it. I don't usually play games. So maybe that comes off as rude. Do you think if I continue to be a bitch to every guy who makes an advance that I will regret it some day when I'm old and unattractive? Or do you think that I might find pride in my ability to weed out the fake one night sex requests and hold out for something real. I hope pride is what I will feel. I guess only time will tell...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Precious Places

There were a lot of people outside. It was late evening after a rainstorm. The air was still heavy from the rain. The alley was cold and the walls were damp. They stood in a circle looking at the ground. In the mist of the crowd was a slimy bubble stuck to the old brick drive. It appeared to be the focus of attention. One man shouted out, "It's just a hobo, we should let it go!" I felt a tingle of fear upon hearing this request. Another man jumped out of the circle and popped the bubble. It became apparent that the creature that emerged from the bubble was believed to be a hobo spider. It looked nothing like any spider I have ever seen. It's legs were flailing but didn't appear to be the driving force of motion. It had a flat belly and moved about with ease. It seemed as if it was being pulled by some exterior force. The creature's body was a smooth yellow and appeared to be made of plastic. The crowd split and moved back as the "hobo spider" glided along in a fury. It moved towards me. I grew more afraid. I felt a heaviness in my right hand and looked down to find a can of bug spray. I wasn't sure where it had come from, but I found strength in it's presence and ran towards the creature. As I advanced towards it, I realized that it's face was that of a mouse. I had seen an animal like this before. I didn't stop.
With all my strength I held that can of bug spray with two hand and screamed as I sprayed the creature. It coughed twice. I woke up.

I had to think about it for a little while, but I figured out where I had seen that mouse like face. When I was a girl, I used to collect these doll houses called Precious Places. They were these elaborate houses that came with a whole family of little plastic dolls. Each doll had a magnet on the bottom and you could move them about the house by using a magnet wand bellow the thin plastic floor. My favorite thing in the house was always the little plastic mouse, except it was pink in life and did not have spider legs.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

flooded trailers and frank sinatra

Is it so strange that I want to live my life based off of a sinatra song?

Yesterday was a busy day at work. I went to the laundromat that evening. I decided that I am going to illustrate all the characters I encounter there. I'm going to call it the lint series.

This is what I observed about the laundry people:

Some may be a little strange, but only because they are completely genuine and not afraid to be who they are.
Some might be very loud, but only because they have strong opinions and are not afraid to share them with the random people at the mat.
Some might seem completely normal while sitting in the corner reading a book. Those are the same ones with the shifty eyes who spend their hour at the laundry mat observing other people's life's while ignoring their own.

I went for a run through the hills after I got home from the mat. I had an epiphany during my run. I always have epiphanies when I run. I think it's something about being totally alone with your own thoughts. I don't listen to music or have any distractions that would allow me to hide from myself like I normally do. So this is usually the time when I figure things out in my head. On this particular run I decided that I want to dedicate my life to having adventures. I want to balance it out with a good stable job during the week. The rest of my life is to be spent traveling or pushing myself to do things I have never done. It would be nice to have a buddy to share this with, but I am no longer going to let that stop me or hold me back. Looking back on my life, the best decisions I have made were those that I did for myself and usually ended up doing alone. Ideally I would find an amazing person with the same drive as myself, but I have no reason to believe that that will ever happen.

Later that same night I went and visited an old friend. He just got back to town and moved into a one bedroom apartment nearby. He made me a couple margaritas and we talked about all the random things that make life what it is. It was a good conversation, I didn't feel the need to talk about the things that make me sad. We chatted about bum culture and plants. I went home around midnight.

I wanted to go to bed but I suddenly wasn't tired. So I thought I would call a friend and see what was going on. It was clear that if I wanted to do anything else that night, it would have to be hitting the bars. I really had no desire to do that. For some reason I just wanted to hang out with someone- maybe I should have stayed at my other friend's house longer.

So restless mind + loud neighbors = no sleep. grr
I had a dream that I moved into a trailer home that was built in the middle of a lake. When I moved in, the lake was drained. Someone neglected to inform me that the lake would rise again. I woke in my home one night and looked out the window to see the water had risen about 5 ft. I opened the window and pushed a log away that was floating in the water. I watched as the water rose above the window and swallowed my home. I wasn't worried at all until I realized that I had no way of getting to work. My car was also under the water.

I woke up at noon today, so I guess I must have fallen asleep at some point. I don't have to work until 4pm, so now I am hanging out at the coffee shop and writing this blog. Coffee is yummy.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Mya's house is haunted

Strange week.

I went to the laundromat for the first time on Monday. I talked to a lady who works there. She told me that she makes her own dolls, and then said they sell bottled water at the laundromat. I wasn't sure what the connection was between water and dolls but I'm glad she told me about both. I enjoyed the laundry mat and all its strange company. I will be back again soon.

The radio station hosted a free listener appreciation concert. It made me feel special to get free tickets to the show, even though it was a free concert and everyone got free tickets. Augustana was good, the opening band was horrible. I choose to drink rather than listen. By the time Augustana took the stage I was trashed and so was Alice. I realized that I have a lot in common with Alice and I enjoyed our girl chat that evening.

I was really hungover the next morning.
Sleep was my priority that night.
I didn't sleep that night.
New neighbors. Loud party.
They actually threw empty beer cans onto my balcony.
grrr I was so mad!

There was a freak storm on Thursday. I went for a run outside that evening. It was a beautiful day. After the run I took a shower. When I got out the weather had changed significantly. It was kinda creepy. I was pretty sure the end of the world was coming. The power went out in the North End. Crazy night.

After the storm passed, I went downtown to party party. I actually don't even remember a large portion of that night. I ran into an old friend that night. I'm a stupid compulsive drunk. I had so much fun.

I went to sushi last night.
I love sushi.
I ordered something different. It was good.
I found out that I don't eat food with eyes.
I also found out that I can talk a friend of mine into eating food with eyes.

After sushi we saw a horror movie at the fancy theater downtown.
I learned a lot about myself from that film:
I don't like horror films
I am not afraid of the dark.
I am afraid of the nasty slimy bald people climbing around in the dark.
I scream really loud in movie theaters.
I usually laugh right after I scream.
I think that mobiles and chickens are funny.

Mya's house is haunted.

After the movie we went dancing. Stupid guys kept hitting on mya and me. I am a bitch to stupid guys. I wish guys could just not be so stupid. I also wish that I could just not be so stupid. That was a crazy night. I don't know that I have ever partied that many hours in a row. We started downtown and ended up at some random guy's house in the middle of farmville. It was like a 20 minute drive to that house. I don't even know why we went. I had fun. It was so random. I found out that mya can drink a half bottle of sake by herself, even after she found a bug floating in her cup (thats dedicated drinking, she just fished it out and kept drinking). I also found out that mya knows a lot of drinking games. We played a few. I cheated each time. I only took one drink regardless of how many I was supposed to take. Those guys were really nice. We hung out until 6am.

I'm really tired.
I really like coffee shops with free wifi!

* In order to protect the identity of those involved. The names used in this blog are not the actual names of the real people they describe.

Friday, August 04, 2006

I wanna be young at heart

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If youre young at heart
For its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If youre young at heart

You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love is either in your heart or on its way

Dont you know that its worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart
For as rich as you are its much better by far
To be young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Look at all youll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart

And if you should survive to 105
Look at all youll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart

Check this out:
Ajin Design
He does some fun stuff with digital painting, I found this while admiring the great Frank Sinatra:

Thursday, July 27, 2006

house of horrors

Alright, I am moved in. Well, for the most part:

I struggled quite a bit with the giant carpet covered kitty house. Let me paint a picture. It's about 20 feet tall and weights about 1,000 lbs. I'm not kidding, well, okay I am- but that's what it felt like when it slammed into my big toe after I dropped it. I carried that damned thing all the way down to my car. Then I fumbled while I attempted to cram it into my little car. I got a little angry and slightly violent. I broke the little window roller off my door as a result one of my many attempts to make the giant house of horrors fit into my tiny clown car. Then the she-hulk came out in me and I ripped it out of my car and immediately dropped it on my foot. This is where the giant roar that awoke half of the city came screaming from the deeps of my gut. I now hate that kitty house. Especially since I had to then carry it all the way back up to my old apartment.

So, I just need to move the kitty house and some outside lounge chairs that are also too big for my vehicle. Wish me luck, I don't know how I'm going to move them...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

all grown up

When I checked the mail today, I was pleased to find a health insurance card with my name on it!
I really feel like I'm an adult with my one bedroom apartment and my own health insurance and retirement. It makes me happy and sad all at once. I like feeling independent and mature, but I also like to feel like a kid. I want to be able to hand back my responsibilities from time to time, but I also realize that once you accept a responsibilities you gotta follow through with it.
So today I got to see Super Ex Girlfriend- the Uma Thurman and Luke Wilson flick. It was both cheesy and ridiculous- I laughed a lot.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Oh yeah, one more thing today. I just want to say that I'm really lame for thinking that I don't have anyone to count on. I have a ton of people who are there for me for anything, and I want you all to know that I would do the same. Although most of you don't live here, it still means a lot to me!

feel'n good

I apologize for the bi-polarness of my blog these days. One moment they are cheery and the next moment sad. This is a cheery one. Apartment hunt of summer 2006 is officially over. I found a place today. I will be living in a one bedroom. This will be my first time going solo. I'm excited for the change, and a little worried about being lonely. I cant keep the kitty cat, cat's are not allowed. That makes me sad. Other than that, I feel a huge weight lifted and I think things are going mighty fine.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Poetic genius

So I think that Nick Lachey would really increase his sales if he changes some of his lyrics. You know the one where he says something about taking his heart or whatever. I think he should change it to,

Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have -- what's left of me.
but please don't take the last of my toilet paper

oh and I googled those lyrics, please don't think im a lachey fan!

Disappearing Act

I am so so tired. I kind of feel sick. Im running on no sleep now. I want to sleep, but Im just too worried about everything. I still don't have a place to live. I have looked at so many apartments. I don't really care anymore. Will everyone just stop pooping on me for one second so my brain can recover.
isn't it interesting how movies try to reflect real life. Its kind of funny really. Even the really sad ones, that make you cry cannot really display how it feels. You know those movies where people simply disappear to escape whatever and then later on they are rediscovered in a new fantastic life. I really don't like those. They make me think that I can just disappear, but everytime I try I find I can't disappear from myself. I guess that's what I really want. I want to disappear from everything, including myself. Then I want to be discovered in a new life. One were everything works out perfect. Maybe if I close my eyes and take a nap, I will awake to find everything is good to go. I am ignoring the things that make me happy because I am stressed about things that make me sad. I just want to go to bed and wake up 3 months from now. I think everything will be worked out by then.

A fabulous day indeed

Today went my way, you might say.

Sorry, that was kind of lame
- but what could you really expect, I'm corny and sometimes a tad bit lame.

Why was today so fabulous?
Well, it was fabulous because it seemed as though everything was going well for me.

I had a good day at work.
I found a place to live.
I got to catch up with and old friend.
I discovered, upon checking my mail, that I will soon be the owner of a new(free) flip phone.
I can finally get rid of the crappy phone I currently use.
I also got a free pizza. My name was on the wall at the pizza place- so they too believed that today was my day.

So with all things taking a little spin in my favor, why do I still feel crappy?

Monday, July 17, 2006

make mine a double

I have decided that I have an addictive personality. I don't mean that people are addicted to be around me and my personality (although it is a fabulous personality- and so so humble). What I do mean by addictive personality is that I am easily addicted to things I enjoy. These things include coffee, mcflurries, blogging, running, and many other things (no worries, these don't include any nasty drugs).
I had two large cups of coffee today. They were yummy.
I went for a run. It was fun- but the weather was hot hot hot.
I watched the movie ShopGirl- because a friend told me it reminded her of me, but when I watched it- It reminded me of someone else.
I painted a spider. I thought that if I painted a friendly spider and hung it in my room that when I get afraid of spiders I can just look at it and remember that they can be friendly.
I tried to sleep, but that annoying insomnia thing came back again tonight.
Now I am writing a blog.
I really don't have anything else to say- I was hoping this would make me tired, but I think it made me more awake. Damn you blogger!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

a run and then get drunk

I feel tired today. I am sick of trying to find a home- why do I make this so hard on myself? grrr.
All I want to do is go for a run and then get drunk and pass out.

that is all the complaining for today- thank you

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

a small loan

If anyone has a little extra sparkle, can you lend me some. Mine must have fallen out of my eye.

Pooping behind a half door

Pooping behind a half door is what I would be doing if I choose to rent the one bedroom apartment I looked at today. At first it appears to be a nice basement apartment in an old house downtown. I walked around and noticed some strange doors. One door appeared to be a pantry or closet door. It was small and a good 3 feet up from the floor. I was shocked when I opened it to find a bathroom. I tried to step up into it and found that I couldn't stand straight, the ceilings were so low. It was the strangest bathroom I have ever seen. I left that apartment smiling, not because I had found a new home, but because I had found something so ridiculous it made me happy.

Monday, July 10, 2006

What, are you afraid of warts

this is the narf
he has nothing to do with what I'm about to write, but I created him in the likeness of someone I know in the real word (yes I actually sort of have a life outside of this cyber existence that you have come to know me by).

Anyways, here is the topic at hand.
I went for a run yesterday and was cheered on by an interesting fellow. He told me, "Rock on sister!" While making that rock and roll thing with his hand. He was running down the hill. I was running up. It made me happy- although it was a bit odd. I ran twice as fast to the top of the hill.

Today I went for a run. I saw the cute mountain biker who is always up there. He said, "Hello" I'm pretty sure that he is a nice guy- somehow I think I can judge people off of their random friendliness to strangers. As I was finishing my run, I ran past a strange group of people carrying a bucket. One of the girls said hello to me as I passed by. I said hello back. Then some guy asked me to stop and look at their frogs. I polity declined and ran really fast back to my car. As I returned to the safety of my car, I could hear him yelling, "What, are you afraid of warts?"

Sunday, July 09, 2006

half and half

I got about half a pot of coffee in the pot and the other half is on the counter top. Eh, 50% isn't so bad.

A sign of true talent

In my life I have auditioned for three school talent shows. I performed in one. That's a 30% success rate.
The first showing of my skills was in fourth grade. I grew up in a really small resort town in California. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I thought you should know that. So two of my good friends and I performed a dance skit to the music of Paula Abdul. We sewed our own tops. They were puffy white belly shirts. We worn them with those tight spandex black pants that were so hot in the 80's. Amazingly enough this was the only talent show that I actually made it into. Maybe because I was a member of the cool kids cliche. Or maybe because standards were low. Or maybe it is because I truly am a dancing queen.
The second attempt at stardom was in 7th grade. I was living in a different town now. This performance was also composed of two good friends and myself. There would be no dancing though, well maybe a little. We got poodle skirts and tied our hair into tight pony tails. It was a musical trio. The song: My boyfriends back. We had two backup singers, myself and another girl. During the audition, our timing got a little off and we didn't make it. I think I remember one of the popular girls telling me that I shouldn't sing that song because I could never have a boyfriend. I like to imagine her fat and bitter now.
My third attempt came the following year. I am a persistent little thing. I sang a duet with my best friend at the time. The song was "I believe I can Fly" by R-Kelly. Yes, yes, I am a nerd. I still remember all the words. Well, we didn't make it into this show either. At some point during our audition we screwed up or something. My friend stopped singing and asked if we could start over. That was the end of that. I never tried out for another talent competition.

dishwasher safe

Have you ever looked at the bottom of a country crock butter container? It says that it is dishwasher safe. The container is begging you to clean it out and use it again, after all the buttery goodness has been used up. The other day I put one of these handy containers to use. My coffee maker has lost its filter holder. So I cut up a butter container and cut a hole in the bottom to rig the coffee maker to work once again. I just turned it on and now I am in my room where I can't see it. I guess its like an adventure. If it works, then I will find a fresh pot of coffee awaiting me in the kitchen. However, if it doesn't work, I will find a fresh pot of coffee dripping down all my countertops and onto the floor. I hope it works.

"You must have very vivid dreams", they said.

A few months ago I had a crazy dream.

I often have dreams about swarming insects. Maybe I should be referring to these as nightmares rather than dreams. Anyone who knows me, knows that swarming insects freak me out. I can't even handle the sight of ant hills or bee hives.

So this dream...ack nightmare... started the same as any other. I fell asleep. This was back in the day when I still had a bed. Now I sleep on my friend's futon mattress on the floor. It is cozy I suppose. Well, thats another story- lets get back to the purpose of this blog, my nightmare.

There was a spider in my room. It was running on the floor, and I saw it moving so so fast. I tried to kill it with my shoe. It did not die. Instead it grew, at least twice its original size. It continued to run on my floor. It wasn't trying to get away from me. It was taunting me.

Again I attempt to end the spiders life, this time with a swift swing of a large hard cover book. I once heard that it is a sign of being out of your mind, or crazy, to continue to repeat the same action and expect different results. So I must have been crazy to expect the spider to die. As you may have guessed, it grew once again. This time into a little green bubbly cartoon monster. It was still small, maybe 3 inchs tall or so. This time it had also developed the ability to speak. And it did.

"You'll never catch me"

This little green bugger chanted this to me as it ran around my bedroom floor. I grabbed a blanket off my bed and caught it. It squirmed and yelled as I twisted the top of the blanket tight. Quickly, I looked around my room, unsure of what to do with this creature. I ran out of my room into the common area of my small two bedroom apartment. My roomate stood in the kitchen. She was surrounded by stacks of pancakes. Pancakes to the ceiling on every countertop. She held a pancake in her hand and was eating it while starring at me wide eyed.

I ran to the kitchen, ignoring the strange behavior of my roomate and accepting it as normal.

Pancakes filled the sink.

"Get these fucking pancakes out of the sink!",
I screamed at her.

She stared back at me with a blank expression. Continued to eat her pancake and did not move. Meanwhile, the little green monster was still squirming in the blanket that I now held with one hand as I tried to remove the pancakes from the sink.

Once the sink was cleared, I shoved the little guy into the garbage disposal.

I turned it on and listened to it as it screamed and was eaten alive by the machine in the drain.

I awoke the next morning and told this dream to at least 10 people.
"You must have very vivid dreams", they said.


First you think with your brain.
Only do what is right for you.
Don't take risks on the uncertain.
Be aware of what will hurt you.
Protect yourself.

Then cut out your brain and throw it down the garbage disposal.
Think only with your heart.
Take the risk.
See past the possibility of pain.
Forget all logic.
Take all you can get.
Be afraid to loose it.
Want it all the time.
Secretly know it will hurt you.
Completely aware that you can't have it.