Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Thats the pumpkin I carved- its the first in a series of two.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

It doesn't matter

I tried to turn off my alarm, but it just kept ringing. This morning I realized that the noise that woke me in the night was not my alarm, but some friends calling me in some attempt to invite me to participate in their festivities. It was good timing. I was having a nightmare that the IT guy at work was chewing on my hand and I couldn't get away. Sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it was really frightening.
There is a throbbing pain in my brain. Since the moment I got out of bed, my brain has been stuck in a constant narrative. Not one with any plot or cohesive story line, but rather an over observant flow of thoughts and thoughts about thoughts. It's as if there is some omniscient voice in my head that is narrating the things I feel and see, to the point of annoyance and has continued throughout my day. I was reading a collection of essays while awaiting my laundry. The voice in my head grew soft as it was replaced by those in the readings. A collection of essays about different epiphanies and experiences people have with art. I have read the entire collection before, but finding it in my purse and seeking some sort of entertainment while I waited, lead me to read it once again. Now I feel both motivated and discouraged. I don't believe that there is any one moment when the world suddenly makes sense. It doesn't matter what it is that your looking for. It is a series of events and epiphanies that lead a person to self actualization. A road of mistakes and regrets mixed in with a few triumphs that ultimately define a person, an artist. Edvard Munch had a moment on that bridge. He leaned over the rail and suddenly felt, or heard the scream of nature. He was not able to express that moment the first time he attempted to paint it. It came across a little to literal. He painted "The Scream" (or The Cry) in 1893. It was painted on a piece of cardboard and is now one of (if not the) most recognized images in the world. It is one of the only images hanging in my living room... well the manipulated version I created with a hair brush and some orange felt mat board. Munch would probably roll over in his grave if he saw my interpretation of his masterpiece- unless he has a sense of humor, which I suspect he does.
It is a strange concept to think of success (or perception of success). What is it that we are striving for. It doesn't really matter if you seek fame and glory- who would want that anyways. Paris Hilton is considered famous. Although few believe she possesses any talent. Any one of us could have been born in her body and situation and chosen to lead the same path. That was a matter of situation, of luck (well I guess it depends who you ask- I sure as hell wouldn't want to be her). I wonder, who would she be if she had chosen a more intelligent future. What if she found her true calling, talent, passion -besides the obvious "passion" that anyone can now download off of limewire-. She has all the resources at her fingertips and she would rather go out and buy shoes or make shitty records.
There is a lady who lives in a small town in Nebraska. By small, I mean she is the only resident. The sign that welcomes you to her town proclaims the population of 2- but since the death of her husband it has lowered to just the one. She is the mayor, librarian, sheriff, cook, whatever the town needs. Although this might at first appear to be a lonely existence, it is nothing of the sort. People come from miles around to eat at her restaurant. They call to see how she is doing. They count on her for weather/road condition reports. She is loved and needed by many. She runs a ghost town that comes to life because of her.
One must be intelligent to be truly funny. Neil Simon has lived a long full life of intelligence. His awards are enough to knock over any shelf and fill a room. Clever wit is the heart of what he writes and has launched him to great success. The famous playwrite is now in his late 60's. He threw himself into his work when his wife died of cancer. He has created stars with his screenplays.
Regina Spektor claimed that many of her songs are fictional. I felt a little let down by this. I had this picture of a tormented artist that amongst her drug abuse and failed relationships, had found success. However I was glad that she didn't say the same obvious statement that so many song writers seem to proclaim - "...sometimes I make up stories about the people I see on the street or at Barnes and noble, sipping their coffee. What are they thinking, where are they from..." I have heard that from many people and I once thought it myself- so to me its trite. Maybe her fictional writings are inspired by a work of art- or by a documentary on she saw early one Sunday morning on CBS.
My eyes were infatuated and disgusted by the posh and pretentious Albertsons grocery store yesterday afternoon. I have never shopped at that particular store because it was out of my way, but yesterday I happened to be in need of a pumpkin and I found myself there. I was spacing out and chuckling to myself as I stood in line. Flat screen TV's were mounted on each checkstand. I watched Jay Leno point out the stupidity of a newspaper ad (secretly I was found humor in the fact that I could very well make and have made the same if not worse blunder to the integrity of print design). Lost in my own head, I found myself suddenly eavesdropping on the conversation the lady in front of me was having with the lady at the checkstand. There was a man with a beard and a flannel jacket who was awaiting the bagging of his groceries and was in line in front of this lady. He didn't have enough money to pay for the bananas he originally planed on purchasing. So the lady offered to pay for them for him. It was a random act of kindness and the bearded man was very grateful. It brought a little half smile to my face as I waited to pay for my pumpkin and milkyways.
The best teachers and mentors are those who are always learning. They are open to learning even from those they are supposedly teaching. I have always admired the successful, and busy people who somehow always make the time for spreading their knowledge to others. Those who can put the "priorities of business" aside at a moments notice to talk to someone like me. I hope to one day be one of them- that will be my determination of success.
A friend of mine used to say, "In the end, it doesn't really matter." Well I hope he is wrong. Otherwise we might as well all give up now.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I drugged it in its sleep

so im planning on skipping out on the usual halloween festivities- by that I mean getting dressed up and going downtown. Instead, I think I might carve a pumpkin and then go to a friends house to hang out. It should be fun. Happy halloween!
oh and this song has been stuck in my head all week:

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall

But maybe it's a false alarm
And every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No distance doesn't care

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall

But maybe it's a false alarm
And every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


My apartment was crawling with large nasty spiders last night. I saw the first one while talking to my dad on the telephone. It was about the size of a quarter and died fighting. My poor dad had to listen to me as I ranted and raved about how horrible it was to have such a large spider terrorizing me. Once I hung up the phone, I went into a crazy cleaning frenzy. I found a similar spider under my bed- only this one was dead. I was probably just hanging out, planning a hostile take over of my apartment when it died. I really need to get over my spider fear.

This morning, I found myself mesmorized. There is a crack in my windshield (caused by loose gravel on the highway to Jackpot). I watched it as it spread across the glass. The heat from my window defroster speed this process along. It was so strange to watch, it didn't look real. It moved fast.

Halloween is soon. I think I will be a witch- that is if I do anything this year. Halloween is hit or miss for me- I either go all out, or avoid it all together.

Monday, October 16, 2006

lets all go to mexico!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Im the only one here now- he is singing from behind the counter. I don't think he knows I'm here.

racking up

I always say no when they ask if I want room for cream. Then I turn around and pour some cream in my coffee. Its funny to make people believe your something your not. Until you realize that you really don't know who you are to begin with. I appreciate honesty and wish everyone could be so honest. I'm much more tired today than I originally thought I was.

An old man told the young coffee house worker that he should be racking up some experience at his age.

Nothing really makes much sense when your so close to it.

They were all born frozen. Most of them melted along the way. One remained cold. Saw the world as it appears through five inches of frozen water. Nothing was ever very clear. Sometimes it seemed like things were there when they really were not. Somehow it always stayed warm inside. One day she awoke and he gave her a look that pierced her frozen shell. Similar to the way it feels when you get a paper cut. You hear the paper slice your flesh and at first it really doesn't hurt. You look to the ceiling, then to your wounded finger. That little cut will remind you its there every time you eat a salty chip. This look did so much more than just cause her pain. It froze her heart. She felt it like a pin prick and then it moved through her vains and devoured her. She thought that if she could just let all the air out of her lungs, maybe she could just sink to the bottom of the sea. But it wont let her. Now she just wants nothing more than to melt.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

green t-shirt and jeans

She was talking really fast and forgetting what was said. It made me laugh a little, but I was also worried about this girl who was about 3,000 miles away. I was really glad she called to rescue me from working my life away. It seemed so funny to me to hear her high level of responsibility to her friends, even though she was intoxicated. I told her not to drive anywhere. I told her I would talk to her until she could sober up. In her drunken ramblings she made my night. She probably feels silly now, although she really shouldn't. I wish I could hold myself together half as well as she does. It's kinda strange to me, but right now the people I am closest to are those who are so far away. I guess it makes sense to for me. I am a loner. With each passing year I can feel myself becoming more independent and solitary. I don't really know what to think about that. I'm glad that I have these amazing people in my life, even if they are not actually here.

Friday, October 13, 2006


Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Native Americans went on vision quests to isolate themselves with nature. They were searching for oneness, spirituality, and meaning. My mission was hardly as romantic. I was going to go home because I couldn't concentrate at the coffee house. Instead, I just started driving. No destination in mind, no plan, no clue when I would stop. I would have drove to the ocean and back if I could. I ended up lost in Ontario Oregon. Then I decided to come back home. I didn't meet any spiritual guides or have an epiphany. I did feel a lot better when I got home that night. I kinda wish I would have drove to the ocean though. I really wanna see the sea again- I miss it.
Every employee at work must complete anti harassment training. I was a diligent worker and got this done right away. Somehow my certificate of completion was lost and there was no proof that I had done the training. So I had to redo it. I watched an hour of videos on the internet that outlined the rules of the anti harassment policy. They told me that harassment can come in many forms. The main concern was sexual harassment. People often make others uncomfortable by making comments about the way they look or dress. So I watched the videos and did the little test at the end. Passed with flying colors. I printed a few copies of the completion certificate and as I was walking back from the printer some of the ladies I work with said, "we've been talking about you..." So I walked over to them to find out what they were saying. Andrea* told me that she really liked my pants. Then she said she wished she had long legs like me and complemented me for the way I walk so "elegant". I was roaring with laughter in my head as I graciously thanked her for her compliment.
Today I was at Target and there was a really cute baby hanging over the shoulder of her mother who walked slowly in front of me. I winked and made faces at her until she giggled and shyed away. Then I realized there were a lot of people around. I looked around and then giggled and shyed away.
I love music so much because I have a hard time communicating verbally. My speech is word vomit. I admire people that can describe complicated matters of life with words and sounds.

Sunday, October 08, 2006


i feel like crap- so because I am so very retarded, and incapable of being a rational normal human being- I am taking a break from alcohol.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

one of the last nice days till winter

It's really nice out today- I got the job- im going to be working alot very soon. Im kinda excited but at the same time a little terrified. For some reason I am afraid of staying here for too long and this might make it hard to want to leave. I don't know what to expect. Last night I acted so strange- I have not been myself over the last few weeks. I had a dream that I slept through my weekend. A few nights ago I had an even stranger dream. I dreamt that there were all these people who were driving their cars like they were motorcycles. By that I mean, they sat on the roofs of the car with their legs spread eagle and there were handlebars on the roof. Its looked really uncomfortable but everyone was doing it. I needed a ride to my car because I left it at some grocery store and I hitched a ride with this friendly couple. I rode inside the car like a normal person. They were strange little imaginary dream people. What ever floats your boat.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I have gas

I was on my way to the middle of nowhere so that I could go running farther into oblivion when I realized that my car was almost out of gas. Have you ever noticed that when you turn off your engine and turn it back on that the needle on the gas tank goes up. I love that mystery gas that suddenly appears in my tank. I was able to postpone a refill until I finished my run. It was a fantastic run too. All the leaves are changing colors and the temperature is perfect.
Tomorrow I am meeting with this design firm about a job. I interviewed there about three months ago. Its actually really flattering that he remembered me when some work presented itself. I'm excited- wish me luck.
I love you all and Im so sorry I've been so reckless lately.